i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
