Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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