there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
