My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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