I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
