The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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