Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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