we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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