so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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