You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
