I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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