all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
its liver damage thursday
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
