I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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