i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
