I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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