Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I wish there were birth control emojis
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
