My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
