you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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