life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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