You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
