guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
