After last night, I could never be a politician.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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