what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
