yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
