I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
