did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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