I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
