shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
