You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
