Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
