someone get that fucking seahorse.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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