She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i came on her dog
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
