so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i've created a new STD.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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