She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
