its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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