I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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