I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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