i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
