i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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