I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
