fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I need water and some morals
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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