I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is Oprah even human
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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