Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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