just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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