I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
