I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
