I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
