Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
