if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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