I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
