its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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