Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
