if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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