If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
