just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I touched a dick in church today
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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