The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
