Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
