Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
